DOUGLAS KNOWLES HERBISON 16/08/1930 - 30/01/2009
I've been a bit quiet the past few weeks as my Father passed away quite unexpectedly. I've been a mixture of sad, angry, hurt and confused, sometimes everything all at once. I don't really know what to say other than I feel cheated out of having more time with him but that's a bit selfish. Below is the tribute I made to my Father at his funeral. Most of you will never have met him but by reading it I'm hoping you'll have a greater understanding of what a fantastic man he was and why we're feeling such a sense of loss here.
In his life Doug was many things to many people but to me he was simply my Dad, so my tribute to him today relates to what I thought of him as a Father and the things I got to know about him by nature of being his son.
So.. Mum and Dad, before I go any further I’ll apologise now for anything I say over the next few minutes which may embarrass you both!
Now, where does one start???
My Dad and Fatherhood…
A favourite childhood memory I have is of being lifted up into the air by Dad and being placed upon his shoulders. It was a feeling of danger and excitement all rolled into one but knowing that because he was there I was completely safe. It was also great having a Dad who was over six feet tall as it meant you got a great view of the world from up there on his shoulders.
I was lucky in that Dad was always around when I was a kid, he wasn’t the type of Father who went away on business or who chose to spend his evenings at the pub instead of with his family. Although having said that I’m sure that raising two boisterous boys like Paul and I would have driven most people to drink at some point! When he did travel it was for his sport, most notably woodchopping, and the whole family would go with him. We were all involved in the sport he loved so much. Mum competed in the Ladies chop and the Jack ‘n’ Jill events while Paul and I competed in the Boys chop. Paul even went on to become a very successful axeman in his own right. By following the Woodchopping circuit every weekend of the season we got to discover and explore most of the North Island which was something many of my friends were very envious of.
When we lived in Te Karaka in the late 1970’s school holidays were always fun because we got to go to work with Dad. Mum would pack Paul and I a lunch just like Dad’s and off we would go in the Jeep as acting Junior Noxious Plants Officers. We got to travel all around the Waikohu County doing what Dad did each day and on these trips if we behaved ourselves Paul and I got to take turns at sitting on Dad’s knee and steering the jeep on the return journey. If his Boss at work had found out I’m sure Dad would have been in trouble… but I’m also thinking that he would have been in even bigger trouble if Mum had found out at the time.
But for me there is one memory which stands out more than any other and it tells you what being a Father is all about and why my Dad was the best kind there is. This also dates from the late 1970’s when I was seven. Dad and Paul were out getting blocks for a woodchopping tournament when Dad had an accident and cut his leg with an axe. Most of you who know Paul know that he isn’t all that good at running but that day he had to run for help because dad’s life depended on it… and run he did until he could get help for Dad. He was rushed by ambulance to Cook Hospital in Gisborne and because Mum was too distraught to drive a friend drove us to the hospital. When we arrived I somehow managed to get my finger squashed in the car door and had to be taken to the Accident and Emergency department. The nurses there knew that Dad was in the Men’s ward and after I was treated, which consisted of being given a bag of ice to reduce the swelling, I was taken over to the Men’s ward and told that my Father was in there somewhere. Not being able to see Dad or Mum I became quite distraught and sat down on the floor and began to cry. Dad who was still very weak, he had almost died due to blood loss from the accident, didn’t know what had happened to me but he heard me crying. He started calling out to me “Jamie, over here” and kept calling until I heard him. I followed the sound of his voice and when I found him he wasn’t able to move but somehow he managed to find the strength to lift me up and tuck me into bed with him. Being the Dad he was he was more concerned about my squashed finger than the fact he had almost died only an hour or so before.
My Dad and loyalty…
Dad was a true LEO and in a truly bad pun you could say that Mum, Paul and I were truly his pride and joy. He was proud of all our achievements and would defend us to others no matter if we were in the right or not… and as a LEO let me tell you, he could roar when he needed to!
I remember once when Mum and Dad were going through a tough patch in their marriage. They were arguing a lot and I had had enough one night and told them both off saying that they were worse than Paul and I had ever been and that if they were really that unhappy they should get a divorce and be done with it. After which I stormed off to my room, as teenagers do. Dad came into my room a few minutes later and apologised saying that they hadn’t realized how bad the bickering had become but that neither wanted a divorce and they would work through their issues. He also said that I shouldn’t speak to my Mother like that. The next morning when I was having breakfast with Mum she apologised but also said to me.. you shouldn’t speak about your Father like that. It was obvious to me that they were going to stay together and it reminded me of something that Dad had once said.. “A good marriage is the first line of defense against the children”
There were several occasions when Dad tried to do the right thing but it just ended up going wrong. One of those times was when Mum and Dad owned the Dairy in Gisborne. When Mum and Dad got married only Mum had a wedding ring and it wasn’t until we were living in Gisborne that Mum saved bought him one as a wedding anniversary gift. One day Dad was out the back preparing vegetables to go into the shop and he decided to take his wedding ring off so that he wouldn’t get it dirty or scratch it. When he was finished he went to put the ring back on but couldn’t find it. Not wanting to upset Mum he kept trying to hide his hand but it wasn’t long before Mum’s eagle eyes spotted that the ring was missing. To say that she was not happy was an understatement but she just decided that it wasn’t meant to be that Dad would have a wedding ring. However later that year Mum and Dad were having a quick trip away to Napier and as they were walking past a jewellery store Dad asked Mum if she still wanted him to have a wedding ring. Needless to say by the end of the day Dad was wearing a new wedding ring and it never left his finger.
My Dad and honesty…
Dad taught Paul and I right from wrong and just in case there was any doubt he reinforced this by saying that given a choice it was always best to be honest and take the right path. When I was ten years old I lied to Dad about having bought something from one of my friends. When he found out he came to me and just said in a very calm voice “I’m really disappointed in you.” Those words hurt me more than any physical punishment I had ever received. After that I never lied to him again… now that doesn’t mean that I always told him everything he wanted to know, it means I never lied to him again.
In his business dealings Dad was always honest and his downfall was that he expected other people to be just as honest as he was. When we moved to Hamilton in 1985 Mum and Dad bought a furniture store and were ripped off big time in the deal, so much so that their finances were precarious to say the least and there was a very real possibility that we could lose our home. A few months later a man came into the store looking for the previous owner as he owed that man a sum of money and wanted to repay that money. He wanted to give Dad the money to forward on but Dad refused to accept it saying that he had no idea where the previous owner was and that he wanted nothing more to do with him. Dad could have quite easily pocketed the money at a time when he desperately needed it but instead he chose to stand true to his morals. I was so proud of my Father that day because I think many other people (including myself) in the same situation would probably have taken the money without thinking twice.
Now that’s not to say that Dad didn’t like to bend the rules sometimes. Back when we used to go out with Dad in his jeep in the school holidays he told us that the law stated that if the branch of a tree went over a fence line any fruit on that branch was fair game for anyone. That was fine but sometimes Dad would use his incredible strength to reach across the fence and drag the branch further over so that Paul and I could pick as much fruit as we could for Mum to preserve or make jam out of.
My Dad and technology…
I think it is incredible the way technology has moved on since I was a kid and I can’t comprehend all the changes Dad saw in his lifetime. I do know however that Dad always liked what technology could offer when it came to sport. When we lived in Te Karaka we were the first family in the village to have a colour television and Dad was thrilled to be able to watch the All Blacks, then captained by Graeme Mourie, play in glorious technicolour. Don’t worry, things weren’t all that extravagant as we could only receive one TV channel and there was no such thing as a remote control.
Dad was also excited when SKY TV came along and showed an interest in minority sports in New Zealand and would send film crews to cover woodchopping events and unlike TVNZ they would actually screen the footage. Strangely enough he never went that extra step and actually subscribed to SKT TV, I guess he was still watching his pennies and thought it an extravagance he didn’t need. It wasn’t until after he had stayed with me a few times and got hooked on the sports channels that he decided to have it at home himself but even then he was frugal in that he had a basic analogue package and only recently upgraded to a digital package.
There was many a time I caught Dad in the evening dozing off in front of the TV and then waking up and looking from side to side to see if anyone had noticed that he had been asleep. I never said anything because after the physical working life he experienced he had earned the right to relax in his armchair.
His two favourite sports were always woodchopping and rugby so it should be no surprise that he was a staunch Waikato Chiefs and All Blacks supporter. But Uncle John it must be said he was starting to warm to Rugby League and he was really excited when the kiwi’s won the Rugby League World Cup last year. I don’t know if it was because the Kiwi’s won or if it was because we beat the Aussies in doing so but either way he was very happy with the win.
And lets just say that he thought that Mum was the best wife on the planet when she came home one day last year with a big flat screen TV for the living room. Sport didn’t get much better when it was viewed on a screen like that.
My Dad and following in his footsteps…
When you’re a kid you always want to be just like your Dad and Paul and I were no exception. When it came to woodchopping Paul was in his element and was able to spend a lot of time with their shared success and love of the sport. I wasn’t so good when it came to woodchopping but I was able to help Dad when it came to the handicapping side of the sport. My being able to do the handicapping freed up Dad’s time to be able to concentrate on his own events and all the mentoring he did for others plus I still got to travel along with him to the competitions.
While I haven’t followed the same career path as Dad I have changed jobs several times just as he did and several times I have ended up in retail. Dad always gave me advice whenever he could but was also very upfront and would tell me when he had no idea at all if I asked him about something which he had no experience in. He also said to me that I should be working for myself and not for someone else and that when he won Lotto he would set me up in a business. Well he never did get around to winning Lotto but on his birthday last year I did manage to open a business of my own and I was very proud that he was able to be there on the day.
Strangely the one thing Dad is less well known for is what I have become more well known for in Wellington and that is knitting. I don’t know if it was something to do with having idle hands and not being allowed to watch TV and doing nothing else at the same time but as kid’s Mum and Dad taught both Paul and I to knit. Dad had been taught by his Mother and I was always amazed at how differently Mum and Dad both cast on their knitting. Dad’s way is a very quick and simple method which is the only cast on I ever use.
I’ve been to various workshops as either a participant or an instructor and every time I cast on people ask me what the name of the cast on is and where they can get the instructions for it. Every time I just reply that it’s called “Dad’s Cast on” because that’s the only name I have for it and they won’t find the instructions anywhere but I’m happy to show people how to do it. So I guess you could say that Dad has become famous in Wellington without really knowing it.
I don’t want to go into the details of what happened to Dad last week except to say that one of the complications he experienced was that he lost the blood flow to both of his legs. In those last few hours with Dad I said to Mum that I wasn’t going to let Dad go up to heaven with cold feet. So in the days after Dad’s passing I knitted him the socks he is wearing today. They are made from possum merino yarn and as he had worked in the bush and saw first hand the damage that possums can do I think he would be pleased to know that his socks probably resulted in there being two less possums in New Zealand.
As another tribute to Dad I will be approaching the Gisborne A & P Show Association with a view to sponsoring a woodchopping event and donating what will be the Doug Herbison Memorial Trophy for that event. It seems fitting as it was at the Gisborne A&P show that Dad first chopped competitively and it was in the Poverty Bay area that he was most successful in the sport he loved so much.
In finishing I just want to say that my Dad was an incredible man and I have always been proud to say that he was my Father. He wasn’t perfect and nor am I… but he was the perfect Dad for me.
What makes life so much more senseless is that my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer just a couple of weeks before Dad got ill. My advice for every woman reading this is to not rely on regular mamogram screening programs alone, you must keep up your own program of regular breast examinations!
Oh. I am left speechless and tearful. Your Dad sounds great.
Posted by: Cal | February 16, 2009 at 11:04 PM
I'm so sorry James, your dad sounsd like a wonderful father, and you and Paul must miss him so much. Give your mum a hug for me - it sounds like she could do with an extra couple over the next few months.
Posted by: Laura | February 16, 2009 at 11:55 PM
What a lovely tribute. And I just realized while reading this that I have one of the pens your dad made.
Again, hoping the best for your mum and you this week.
Posted by: Mel | February 17, 2009 at 12:06 AM
James - I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I know how much he meant to you. May these wonderful memories bring you comfort in your mourning. I am equally troubled by your mum's diagnosis. I hope she has a speedy recovery. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs*
Posted by: Jennifer | February 17, 2009 at 12:28 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, james. {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you and your mother.
Posted by: anne marie in philly | February 17, 2009 at 01:43 AM
My sincerest condolences... That was a beautiful tribute...
I'm sending positive vibes for your mom!
Posted by: Eva | February 17, 2009 at 02:28 AM
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. He sounds like he was a great dad and you were very lucky to be his son.
You, your brother and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Benita | February 17, 2009 at 02:45 AM
Oh dear. I'm so saddened by this, James. Treasure the memories. Take care of yourself.
Posted by: Ted | February 17, 2009 at 03:38 AM
James, That was a wonderful tribute. He sounds like a wonderful man. Hugs to you and your family.
Posted by: Cath | February 17, 2009 at 04:23 AM
James!!! I'm sooo sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I know you were close with him and your posts about him always showed how much you admired him. He seemed to be a wonderful and talented man. My condolences to you and your family. Also, a big hug for you in regards to your mothers diagnosis. You are going through some sad and scary times. I'm glad you have Ian there for support.
Posted by: jessica~ | February 17, 2009 at 05:46 AM
sorry for your loss. it is extremely sad when one's parents passes away. my dad died in april and my mum 25 years ago. it is strange to be in the world without parents.
Posted by: merete | February 17, 2009 at 06:39 AM
You have my deepest sympathy. It's not easy to live without a parent.
Posted by: Charlotte | February 17, 2009 at 01:03 PM
My heart goes out to you in such a difficult moment in your life. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Posted by: Gabi | February 17, 2009 at 05:07 PM
What a fab tribute & what an interesting sounding guy........who will be missed. Kia Kaha
Posted by: Libby | February 17, 2009 at 10:59 PM
It's unimaginable how awful this must have been...your tribute shows how clearly you love your dad and the suddenness must have been just shocking. My deepest sympathy James...only wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Take care of yourself and your mom, and know we're thinking of you.
Posted by: QueerJoe | February 18, 2009 at 04:34 AM
James, I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. I hope that your mom has a speedy and full recovery. May peace be with you and your family.
Hugs,
Calvin
Posted by: Calvin | February 19, 2009 at 05:12 PM
My sincere sympathy to you James - he sounds like a wonderful Dad, one of the very best sort. Your Mum too sounds like a very special woman, I send my best wishes for a good outcome for her. Keep knitting - it's a wonderful solace in times of strss. :-)
Posted by: Kaye | February 20, 2009 at 10:51 AM
James,
What a beautiful, loving and moving tribute to your father. I've been thinking about how to comment on it for a while - but I can't find the words. So, I'll just say thank you for posting it here for others to read.
Posted by: Ivar | February 23, 2009 at 09:19 AM
I'm so sorry James to hear of your loss, and also of your Mum's illness. Both of you and all your family will be in my thoughts. All my very best wishes at this difficult time
Posted by: Christine in the UK | February 23, 2009 at 10:29 AM